After several attempts to sit down and be productive at the readings and assignments for this week...I have failed. Just like any other teacher at one point or another, I have hit a low point and am in the process of building myself back up. My research questions have transformed from topics and ideas on assessment/curriculum to questions about the teaching profession...and all it has done is aggravate me. I'm trying to pack all these irritating remarks into a bottle, tie the weight on and sink them at sea. But it doesn't seem to be working as quickly as I'd hoped.
I have the worst possible attitude about my most beloved profession. How does one re-light the fire when it has gone out?
How does one get over feeling insignificant and disposable?
You may be thinking, what happened to make you feel this way? Why are you so bitter? The answer to those questions could be a book within itself. For it is not just one moment, but several moments of frustration that have lead me to this point. I know that everyone in their first years of teaching goes through struggles, and has those dark thoughts of wanting to throw in the towel. Heck, I had them frequently..almost daily last year so what is the big deal now?
Fear. Fear that things will not get better. Fear that recognition will never be given. Fear that my topic will forever be under-appreciated, and thus, so will I. Fear that my best will simply never be enough. Fear that change will never be accepted and installed in my district. And last but not least, fear that I may get to a day when I cannot overcome those fears for they have come true.
I have the worst possible attitude about my most beloved profession. How does one re-light the fire when it has gone out?
How does one get over feeling insignificant and disposable?
You may be thinking, what happened to make you feel this way? Why are you so bitter? The answer to those questions could be a book within itself. For it is not just one moment, but several moments of frustration that have lead me to this point. I know that everyone in their first years of teaching goes through struggles, and has those dark thoughts of wanting to throw in the towel. Heck, I had them frequently..almost daily last year so what is the big deal now?
Fear. Fear that things will not get better. Fear that recognition will never be given. Fear that my topic will forever be under-appreciated, and thus, so will I. Fear that my best will simply never be enough. Fear that change will never be accepted and installed in my district. And last but not least, fear that I may get to a day when I cannot overcome those fears for they have come true.
Hang in there. I spoke with a lady last week who is now an elementary school principal and she said she cried every single night in her first year of teaching. I was thinking, oh my god, what have I gotten myself into. I'm terrified of my first year of teaching. The thing is, you are not alone and you do have a whole community of supporters who have an overwhelming amount of respect for your work and your ideas. As this young principal told her story, she said she hung in there because she thought she could do it. Not everyone can do it, but she thought, just maybe she could. And if you think you have what it takes, keep going, because your students will need you. All I can say is that I don't think you're frustrated because you aren't a good enough teacher. Sometimes I think it's even more difficult for those who are the brightest and most caring. It's frustrating when you can see so clearly how things could/should be different, but feel like you can't do enough to change it.(And you can't. No one can do that all by themselves. That doesn't mean that change won't come.)
ReplyDeleteMy advice...try to do something fun with your students. Allow yourself to just enjoy them sometime this week. Try to just be there without being too meta-cognitive about it. Putting aside the research and the politics and even the learning objectives, remember that THEY are the reason you do this...for love.
Okay sister, It's only my fourth year.... BUT just from what I perceive about you, you are waaaaay more driven than me! I admire that! However, that first year and every year since, I have to sit back and ask myself what matters most.... And maybe you won't agree, but I hope this lifts your heart in the slightest way :)
ReplyDeletehttp://pursuitofajoyfullife.wordpress.com/2014/01/26/what-students-remember-most-about-teachers/
I read this right before I read your post and think that it was not by chance at all....
Wow, I'm sitting here sniffling and wiping the tears away from my cheeks. I'm so thankful. So thankful for the words you have shared with me for they have have realigned myself with what is most important. There is a new sticky note on my desktop with an edited quote from the wordpress link that states:
ReplyDeleteBe available.
Be kind.
Be compassionate.
Be transparent.
Be real.
Be thoughtful.
Be ourselves.
I'm hoping that on challenging and tiring days like today, I'll be able to read it and have this same wash of hope rush over me again. Whitney and Karen, you rock. Thank you for your words of wisdom and your kindness in sharing them with me.
I wish I had read this earlier and let you know that you are a bright light in our profession and I see you making a huge difference in the lives of your students and in art education. It is important to know that you are not alone in this feeling and that, as Whitney and Karen reminded you, the first year is very hard as you are finding yourself as a teacher. This is a universal feeling. You have all that it takes to soar but sometimes we have to just surrender to a bad day and let it go. I hope you are getting support and don't feel like you are alone. I am very proud of you!
ReplyDelete